I'm
overwhelmed with a rush of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that surface when I
stand alone in my house trying to figure out how to move everything out. Too
overwhelmed to start packing and cleaning that I had to take a moment to process
all these thoughts here. Looking back at
everything that happened in this past year- the countless changing, healing,
transforming, and transitioning. I look back at in all the areas I have come to
grow in, fears that I've conquered, challenges that I've faced, successes that
I've experienced, tears that I've shed, laughs I've shared. I see that I
am not who I once was nor have I arrived at the finish line just yet.
What I do know for certain is that I am in much more healthy place than I
ever was in the past 2 years, and words cannot express how damn grateful I am.
In my
journey of soul-searching, it seems like a constant pattern of necessary
endings and new arrivals. It seems like the 2nd decade of your life is
full of invisible lines and red tape.
Invisible lines of not knowing how sudden your life can go into full throttle
and experience change at the speed of life. In the past 2 weeks, I have
will been in 6 cities. In the next 12 months, I will be moving every 6
weeks. Not knowing what you're life really looks like even though you
have a vision and plan but still trusting in The Lord to direct your steps.
Invisible lines of living out of a suitcase, traveling to new places,
making new connections, parting ways with familiar ties. Invisible lines
of having more awareness and introspection about yourself as well as healthier
boundaries with others as all your friends are either engaged, married, or
having their second baby. Invisible lines of solitude as well as
community.
Red
tape where things have gone wrong in the past, and you've been burned and learned
from the history of your experience. Having polar extremes about
realities, and telling myself that I do not want to go there or make the same
mistakes next time. Yet learning how to apply the red tape
effectively in the right areas, learning how to have boundaries with my own emotions and perhaps even
removing some of the caution in order to be able to journey into deeper than
feet may wander.
In this past
season, one of the biggest things I've come to experience is what it looks like
to grieve well and have necessary endings. Yet still the little
girl inside me still has a hard time pulling up the deep roots of separation
anxiety from years of emotional scarring. 3 months ago, I wanted to peace
out of Buffalo so bad and could not wait to end this chapter. These past
few weeks, I couldn't help but freak out a little and feel like a part of me
wasn't quite ready to close off 5 years of my student life and move on
just like that. When I was running end of the semester errands on campus,
I couldn't help but feel like a ghost going down memory lane- of which some
good, some bad. The reminiscing was strangely bittersweet and nostalgic,
yet I wasn't afraid to expose myself to those feelings of sadness anymore like
I was for awhile in the past. Instead now, it brought a sense of peace and closure for me.
And so at the end of the day, I know that it is time for another necessary ending in
this part of my life. It is time for bidding farewells in another
emotional move, as well as a physical move out of my place in Beacon Park. With that said, I feel very sad about saying goodbye to my safe
haven this year, which provided the essential space for my growth and
development to occur. It is here that I learned gratefulness, how to sit
in both my good and bad, cry myself to sleep, laugh uncontrollably, lean into
solitude, and as well as share and let people into my life. And so to
honor that, I think it fitting to have closure and conclude this processing post with a house
tour.
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