Humble Endings and Beginnings

As I sit here in the Starbucks I spent my high school years in next to my home in Capitol Albany, New York to write my thank you cards and have my quiet time, I think about my expectations for a new year.  New Year- new start, new beginnings.  The thought of a clean slate, a blank canvas, waiting for colors to be splashed on, and create another beautiful painting of life is exhilarating, yet frightful.  I do have many hopes and expectations for 2014, yet at the same time, conflicting feelings of anxiety and fear are always loose-ends that flux upon my heartstrings.

I suppose beginning to reflect on 2013 is an appropriate place to start.  I find it ironic that as I have finished my efforts and participation in 2013's Dressember movement to combat human trafficking/sex slavery through trusting in the Lord to brave through wearing a dress every day, pledging a financial gift of $500, and an personal aside of selling/donating a portion of my own clothes, that it is a beginning to another new year, 2014.

So to share some reasons, blessings, and challenges of Dressember, which all amounted to a very humbling and grateful journey-

1) Financial Faith- I have raised financial support for missions trips to both state-side Florida/San Francisco and overseas East Asia.  It has been a while since I depended on God to provide monetarily, and because especially now that I have a job in pharmacy, which can so easily catch me in worldly security/stability, I wanted to put myself in a position that would force me to lean on the Lord and stretch my trust in relying on Him financially again.

And this time, it was for a cause and purpose greater than my own needs of cost-of-living, which challenged me on a different level.  The feeling of raising support for a Kingdom cause greater than myself, which I am passionate about- restoring women, was really humbling in that I was reminded who I was working for- the Lord.  He didn't need me to complete His work, yet calls me to "Seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, and plead for the widow." -Isaiah 1:17.  I felt privileged.

Another humbling moment was because the support was not for myself, there created room for slack, laziness in my human heart.  I felt very conflicted because there wasn't as much of an urgency to strive to achieve the full amount, since the fleshly side of me thought that I was still going to survive if the full amount wasn't reached.  At the same time, the Holy Spirit's push and conviction on my conscience was even stronger to show me my selfishness.  It is exactly because this is NOT for me, that I should be more appreciative, loving, and passionate to defend the defenseless.  That other women would not have a greater chance of life if I didn't care as much.  There were many moments of realization and repentance in prayer when I saw this in myself.  I am so grateful to say that He has grown me in this area to show me His faithfulness, where I was able to reach past myself, and still work to raise the full amount of $500 I pledged, thanks to you all supporters :).  I am grateful for all of those who supported me in this partnership to be able to give oppressed victims a chance to freedom and life.        

2) Fashionable Falsehoods- Just in dresses alone, there was 52 and counting in my walk-in, and my initial hold-back in participating were frivolous reasons of- the inconvenience of effort/time dressing up every day, what other people would think, and the cold snowing weather.  From many angles, I could rationalize myself into believing that-  this isn’t necessary, I’m not the social justice type, I didn’t have to involve myself in this cause, and it’s for someone else. 

No matter how much my mind pushed, my heart shoved back telling me that my self-interest in preserving my own comforts weren’t very in line to the efforts of striving to be the proverbs 31 women.  This unearthed a lot of heart examination, and I saw that what was still at the root of my heart struggles was a scarred girl.  Dressember was challenging my sense of self-image, vanity, and materialism.  The heart of the Dressember movement was embracing femininity, reclaiming beauty, and celebrating freedom for womanhood.

So what I found ironically humorous about my sin was that this was exactly my soap-box in biblical womanhood- embracing self, sharing that love, dressing up, yet for myself, I still faced the insecurities of living it out.  Especially after a hard year of grief, the spiritual depression I was recovering from had me struggling hard to live out the truths I claimed to believe.  I was struggling to live out my faith for fear of what man would think/judge.  Dressember served as a marker that indicated image was an on-going struggle, and I had somehow idolized the proverbs 31 women into a Christian Barbie, where I backwardly bought into the lie that if I obtained the image of seeming to have it all together, I would be happy.

With this realization, I was finally able to step out of self-preservation and not only participate in dressing up, but also create a personal aside to give/sell a portion of my closet.  There was a certain level of attachment to some articles of clothing, but clothes were just clothes, and I had to keep myself in check not to idolize self- image.  Sure, there were also moment of discomfort bracing the freezing cold in Buffalo, or not being able to wear more comfy clothes for consecutive 12 hours standing shifts, but what was my comfort suffering for those who had no comfort?

Dressember was a redeeming chance for God to remind me not to idealize and idolize being a Christian Barbie, and instead truly learn to imitate Christ in godliness.  At the end of the day, and for the New Year to come, the image I desire the Lord to restore is that I may be not just girlie, but more godly, and that I may grow closer to Jesus through putting my faith into action, thus become more like Christ.