Humble Endings and Beginnings

As I sit here in the Starbucks I spent my high school years in next to my home in Capitol Albany, New York to write my thank you cards and have my quiet time, I think about my expectations for a new year.  New Year- new start, new beginnings.  The thought of a clean slate, a blank canvas, waiting for colors to be splashed on, and create another beautiful painting of life is exhilarating, yet frightful.  I do have many hopes and expectations for 2014, yet at the same time, conflicting feelings of anxiety and fear are always loose-ends that flux upon my heartstrings.

I suppose beginning to reflect on 2013 is an appropriate place to start.  I find it ironic that as I have finished my efforts and participation in 2013's Dressember movement to combat human trafficking/sex slavery through trusting in the Lord to brave through wearing a dress every day, pledging a financial gift of $500, and an personal aside of selling/donating a portion of my own clothes, that it is a beginning to another new year, 2014.

So to share some reasons, blessings, and challenges of Dressember, which all amounted to a very humbling and grateful journey-

1) Financial Faith- I have raised financial support for missions trips to both state-side Florida/San Francisco and overseas East Asia.  It has been a while since I depended on God to provide monetarily, and because especially now that I have a job in pharmacy, which can so easily catch me in worldly security/stability, I wanted to put myself in a position that would force me to lean on the Lord and stretch my trust in relying on Him financially again.

And this time, it was for a cause and purpose greater than my own needs of cost-of-living, which challenged me on a different level.  The feeling of raising support for a Kingdom cause greater than myself, which I am passionate about- restoring women, was really humbling in that I was reminded who I was working for- the Lord.  He didn't need me to complete His work, yet calls me to "Seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, and plead for the widow." -Isaiah 1:17.  I felt privileged.

Another humbling moment was because the support was not for myself, there created room for slack, laziness in my human heart.  I felt very conflicted because there wasn't as much of an urgency to strive to achieve the full amount, since the fleshly side of me thought that I was still going to survive if the full amount wasn't reached.  At the same time, the Holy Spirit's push and conviction on my conscience was even stronger to show me my selfishness.  It is exactly because this is NOT for me, that I should be more appreciative, loving, and passionate to defend the defenseless.  That other women would not have a greater chance of life if I didn't care as much.  There were many moments of realization and repentance in prayer when I saw this in myself.  I am so grateful to say that He has grown me in this area to show me His faithfulness, where I was able to reach past myself, and still work to raise the full amount of $500 I pledged, thanks to you all supporters :).  I am grateful for all of those who supported me in this partnership to be able to give oppressed victims a chance to freedom and life.        

2) Fashionable Falsehoods- Just in dresses alone, there was 52 and counting in my walk-in, and my initial hold-back in participating were frivolous reasons of- the inconvenience of effort/time dressing up every day, what other people would think, and the cold snowing weather.  From many angles, I could rationalize myself into believing that-  this isn’t necessary, I’m not the social justice type, I didn’t have to involve myself in this cause, and it’s for someone else. 

No matter how much my mind pushed, my heart shoved back telling me that my self-interest in preserving my own comforts weren’t very in line to the efforts of striving to be the proverbs 31 women.  This unearthed a lot of heart examination, and I saw that what was still at the root of my heart struggles was a scarred girl.  Dressember was challenging my sense of self-image, vanity, and materialism.  The heart of the Dressember movement was embracing femininity, reclaiming beauty, and celebrating freedom for womanhood.

So what I found ironically humorous about my sin was that this was exactly my soap-box in biblical womanhood- embracing self, sharing that love, dressing up, yet for myself, I still faced the insecurities of living it out.  Especially after a hard year of grief, the spiritual depression I was recovering from had me struggling hard to live out the truths I claimed to believe.  I was struggling to live out my faith for fear of what man would think/judge.  Dressember served as a marker that indicated image was an on-going struggle, and I had somehow idolized the proverbs 31 women into a Christian Barbie, where I backwardly bought into the lie that if I obtained the image of seeming to have it all together, I would be happy.

With this realization, I was finally able to step out of self-preservation and not only participate in dressing up, but also create a personal aside to give/sell a portion of my closet.  There was a certain level of attachment to some articles of clothing, but clothes were just clothes, and I had to keep myself in check not to idolize self- image.  Sure, there were also moment of discomfort bracing the freezing cold in Buffalo, or not being able to wear more comfy clothes for consecutive 12 hours standing shifts, but what was my comfort suffering for those who had no comfort?

Dressember was a redeeming chance for God to remind me not to idealize and idolize being a Christian Barbie, and instead truly learn to imitate Christ in godliness.  At the end of the day, and for the New Year to come, the image I desire the Lord to restore is that I may be not just girlie, but more godly, and that I may grow closer to Jesus through putting my faith into action, thus become more like Christ.

and these are a few of my favorite things: Dressember

I should be working on my research protocol paper and studying for therapeutics, which at this point, is the only thing keeping me from winter break, but I couldn't focus on multi-tasking because my mind kept on going back to this most recent online post, which I had stumbled across from my Urbana friend, Pinky's facebook page.  So I wanted to blog and share about a cause that I just recently decided to (about a few hours ago after bouts of walking around in circle in my living room, and laying on the couch to pray because my mind was roaming with serious anxiety) support for the month of December, called Dressember.  

In these past few weeks, I had been reflecting upon some of the conversations I've had with my pastor, Chris, and from Sunday's we had been about giving generously and sharing with the more needy.  I had been contemplating ways that I could put my faith into more action and not just simply agree on Sundays.  What led me to participate in this movement was when I had originally just seen this cause in passing on Pinky's participating page, and thought oh how cool, but the idea kept on coming back, and I just felt the challenge and conviction being put on my heart.  I was actually scarred to commit and the idea frightened me into anxiety.  This was strange, conflicting feeling for me though because anybody who is slightly acquainted with me can tell that these are a few of my favorite things after Christ: lights, glitter, sparkle, flowers, and dresses.  Then why was I so afraid to take part in a cause which was such a good fit for me?  Slowly, I realized how my human heart was plagued with all sorts of sinful matters which entangled so easily.  

The conflicts I had internally included trying to get out of it by rationalizing, thinking oh I have a lot to deal with already with finals and work, or giving excuses like oh I love wearing dresses, but I don’t have that much time on my hands to dress-up every day.  And then there was the what will people think of me, but by then, I knew that if I was resisting this much, God was definitely trying to challenge me to stand up for His cause, instead of passively giving up a chance to stretch my faith.  After a heart analysis, first diagnosis was- laziness to begin with, to be passive about such a cause which I knew that the Lord would want me to defend.  On a deeper, darker level, the selfishness of protecting my own interests, and the fear of man/fear of failure, conflicted with the conviction to take a step of faith and allow myself to see how the Lord would once again provide.  What’s funny was that I’ve always had a heart to work with and care for other women, and the conflict of my mind and heart slowly began to ease and be redeemed as I saw that this was God giving me an opportunity to do so, in a capacity which I loved.  Afterall, a few of my favorite things include dressing up, & since I have many dresses/skirts lined up in my closet, it made sense to conclude why not wear them for a cause- to celebrate femininity, free modern slavery, & put my faith into action.  

Dressember is a movement which embraces femininity, reclaims beauty, and restores women throughout the world who have been robbed of dignity and value.  By wearing a dress-a-day for the entire month of December, this personal-style challenge stands up for supporting and raising funds for International Justice Mission- IJM, a global organization which works to combat human/sex trafficking.

IJM's mission is to respond to the call to justice in Isaiah 1:17 to- "Seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, and plead for the widow."  Dressember enables the work of IJM through financial funds/support, in restoring the victims of oppression to the things that God intended them to have: their lives, their liberty, their dignity, the fruits of their labor.  

And so you may still be wondering why I am sharing this, but I just wanted to extend an invitation and encouragement to those whom may be interested in supporting or participating in this cause which celebrates beauty/femininity, reclaims values to women, and places fun in a worthwhile challenge.  I’ve pledged to raise $500 for IJM through Dressember, that would only be 50 people giving $10, so if any of you are interested in getting involved by dresssing up with me or financially supporting this cause, this is the link to my page-http://www.ijmfreedommaker.org/account/8190.

Every dollar will be given directly to IJM, and in addition to this, for every outfit, I have decided that I will be selling an article of clothing from my closet because I have been blessed with so much to have an abundance to bless others.  Any of these actions will help raise awareness and funds for IJM, as their mission celebrates the truth that there is beauty and power in femininity. 

See uploaded video below for more Dressember information-

and after all, God still hasn't lost His will

  Exactly one year ago, I went to Cru's preview weekend in Providence, Rhode Island and of the seminar talks, one thing the VP of Cru, Steve Sellers, said was- "God hasn't lost His will for you, and He won't hesitate to show you what it is when He so desires."  Looking back in retrospect, a lot of things have changed in the past year, and I've come to realize that this is indeed true, as I'll reveal in proceeding to blog on.

  I've also come to realize that I'm in this phase of "young adult," and speaking to my counselor today, unearthing that what I've experienced in this past year was a sort of a "disorder of adjustment," helped me see that it's okay to not know completely everything that lies ahead of me in life as a 22 year old Asian-American Christian woman taking 26 graduate credits, working 20 hours/week at CVS, doing oncology research at Roswell, and leading EPIC women's ministry small group.

   When I went to the Pharmacy Career Pathways Day, one of the reps I spoke to asked me what year I am.  I told him I was a P3, third year, and he proceeded to joke- "Oh it's like junior year in high school all over again, figuring out what where you want to go!"  Except for I added, "yeauh junior year for life though."

  Because when I got all my undergrad acceptances, I was feeling the same way.  I had eliminated my choices down to 3 out of the 10 schools I got into, and was at a forks in a road.  After having gone on uncountable roadtrips to visit almost all 10 of these schools, it came down to UC San Diego- just because it was SoCal, University of Maryland, College Park- because it simply had that collegiate life feel of a mega campus and green turfs, University at Buffalo- solely because it offered me a cheap, top 17 in the nation pharmacy graduate program.

 I settled for my last choice for practicality's sake, and here I still am after 5 years, and I am so ready to turn the next chapter. (Disclaimer from experience: If I had to do it all over again, I think I maybe would not have chosen to do an accelerated 2 year undergrad, 4 year grad school program, because the down-sides were, it felt like life fast-forwarded 2 years on me,and robbed me out of fully enjoying 4 years of undergraduate discovery and exploration of who I was, what do I like to do- an identity, and I was skipped full throttle into adult life.  On the plus side, I will never have to go back so school again, except for what I want to willingly pursue- spiritual formation/soul care in seminary school, hopefully later on down the road.  So do not think that I don't advocate what I spent so much of my time studying, because after all, I did choose it to serve a means to an end of having an additional platform to do Kingdom work in the field of medicine/health overseas in East Asia.  If it is your passions, then go for it.  Just don't settle for what's always pragmatically Asian.)

  And so, what does my next chapter look like, where has God been leading and inclining my heart towards in this state in my life?  After having gone to EPIC Fall Retreat last weekend and being able to receive much healing from conversations with staff, like Sandy, and reconnecting with my San Francisco project directors just really brought a lot of joy and restoration to me.  Hearing how they've been movement launching at UMD this semester, just thrilled me, thinking that I had almost gone there for undergrad!  Better yet, it warmed my heart to have Steph just understand and relate to what I've experienced in this season/where I'm was in my walk, and for Tony still encourage me to pursue ministry and consider joining them in the DC area after graduation.

  Going back to this past summer, I went on a self-vacation to visit my best mates from summer project, Rebecca and Cathy, in SoCal.  Seeing the SoCal EPIC community/headquarters there and being able to also meet-up with all my staff women of faith, Viv, Leila, and Tricia, really helped me see that I was not alone in some of the hurts/sins I've experienced, and restirred up in me a heart to be used as an instrument to bestow healing and ministering upon to other women.  One thing my SP discipler, Natalie reminded me of was- passion+gifts=evangelism.  Because at that point, I had been so disoriented by all the readjustments of my last year, that I had to re-question- were my passions still the same, what are they even at this point?  What was I good at, what do I enjoy doing?

  And since then, I've realized that after all these years, having gone on all the spiritual retreats, conferences, and missions, the vision EPIC has as a movement of being a transformational community- being a foreshadow of what's to come as God's kingdom, heaven on earth, still resonates so strongly with my heart.  That I am inclined to be apart of this greater discipleship community in whatever capacity may come and would still desire to part-time with EPIC immediately after graduation in So-Cal or DC while working, and then continue to proceed to transition into long-term ministry overseas in Asia still stands affirmed after these experiences.

  So after all, God is sovereign, and He has not lost His will.  The fork in the road presented to me of going to college in California or Maryland still are open door potentials even 5 years later.  And practically speaking, talking to many reps at the pharmacy job fair about how these two prospective areas are hot for hiring provided additional affirmations.
Even though I've gone astray in the past year, not for a moment has He forsaken me, not for a moment has He lost His will for me.  Even though I was faithless, Christ was and is still faithful.  And so this is my truest belief as Steph shared- "the more I enjoy God, the more I enjoy everything else."

The Complexity of Womanhood

Today, I rang out an adorable geriatric patient who was struggling to walk up to the counter, leaning on the cart asking about her husband's medication.  She proceeded to tell me he had just come back from a nursing home, and that they had been together for so many years, that now at the elderly age of 82, it was getting harder for her to take care of him.  The fact that she was still crystal clear about what he needed for his multiple conditions touched my heart, and I could only respond, "well ma'am, for better or for worse, I hope he feels better knowing that you take care of him."

Proceeding to come home after work to the remainder of all the flowers of the wedding aftermath, I was searching for a fitting place to hang the dried bouquets of roses and hydrangeas from my two closest friends' wedding, and a thought reoccurred to me, from a family retreat last summer, on the complexity of life changes in being a woman.

To think of how vast and encompassing the role of a woman can be- from being a daddy's little princess, to being a successful career woman, to a lovely wife, to being a nurturing mother.  

Yes, deep down inside, I know the catch-all adult sunday school theology is- that Christ is all sufficient and satisfying for me as my Maker/Husband, and that it is first and foremost, important to seek Him in solitude, working out my intimacy and salvation with Him in trembling and fear.  It is about truly finding Him in the deep grinds of everyday though, from waking up, to going to the gym, to work, to studying, to facing conflict and strife, and to share in the joys and thanks of life.

At the same time, this spurs into a desire for community, to share in the phenomenon of running the good race and fighting the good fight of faith together- with peers and older mentors.  I've been blessed to have the opportunity to serve younger time and time again, and I've been encouraged/learned plenty from fresh faces.  My prayer for the incoming class has always been that the Lord would bring in the harvest field, and raise up the fourth kind of soil, and for hearts to be transformed by the Goodness of the Gospel.

After having been here for 5 years now though- seeing how there were almost no girls that had a heart to grow and be a disciple of Christ, myself included, to forming a group of 5 girls who had conflict almost everyday trying to share their lives together, to now having double-folded in the number of girls in several ministries here- in honest opinion, whether single or dating, I think that as someone whose gone through the fireseeds of pioneering women's ministry, as women, it can get quite lonely at the end of the day.   

The complaint has always been the same- I've mumbled about it myself many times as well in my own strife- "there are no sisters here; nobody understands me, it's so much easier talking to guys."   In my own case too, reality doesn't get easier either, when all your friends are graduating/moving away, getting new jobs, getting married or even having their second baby, while you're still working/in graduate school, and the pool of people present get younger and younger each year.  I am thankful for how the Lord has brought older women to speak into my life from season to season; on the other hand, I have been longing for peers for years now.  However, I also understand that there is no cure for loneliness/belonging, and a true community of believers is one where individuals truly seek to love Jesus; it is this common cause of Christ, that shines so brightly and causes that bond of the Body.

Experience and theory have shown that men and women bond/connect very differently, and looking back, I remember when I was preparing material to lead our last Women's Time on EPIC San Francisco Summer Project in 2011, I came to process and see the value of womanhood and sisterhood.  I wrote in my journal-

"I've come to realize how much women need women.  We tend to be more guarded against one another, because we need each other for support and want that sense of closeness and sharing.  However, it's because we're so close/vulnerable, that it can easily be turned around and used to hurt each other.  The support we offer each other should be more than what brothers can offer us, because brothers can only support sisters up until a certain point; no man can fully support a woman until marriage. Even then, brothers can't meet all your needs; they can't fully support you as a sister.  In order to do that, we need to allow God to work in our hearts to melt away the walls we've build, taking down the bricks one by one, not because we want to pry and see what's behind it, but to journey in that experience and process together.  In our hurts, pains, bitterness, anger, resentment, and brokenness.  Because ultimately, it is because of our depravity, and hopeless condition that we need Jesus- that is why grace is so magnificent, we can realize how much, how precious, and dear having God in our lives mean, and openness in the Body starts with women to women, and men to men.  That a brother shouldn't be the first one to know about something deep; the simple answer is- boyfriends don't make good girlfriends.  That the body of Christ in it's fullness is when it is in tune with what's going on within, when everything is working together for the common goal of staying healthy.  That common goal of knowing Christ and making Him known."

On my flight to California in May, I sat behind this woman who had a cute toddler and new born with her, and for the whole flight, she was able to keep them sound asleep and happy.  To think of how daunting and big of a responsibility it is to take care of children from birth to raising them up to be men/women of God, frightened me into incompetency almost.  I thought to myself, I've always longed and desired to be a good wife and mom, but how can I ever do that, when I'm still searching for who I am in Christ, and always will be?  Starting from learning to be an obedient child, to being a lover of Christ- from there is where I can be a woman of His own heart, whether single, dating, married, wife, or in motherhood.

Learning Good & Bad

In this season of soul searching, I have come to realize how entangled I can become, in not just my web of thoughts, but also the complexity of my feelings.  This can create such a cloud of fog in my mind that I can not get out of the negative anger and begin to spiral into tears of desperation and depression.  Often when I am so overwhelmed with my emotions, it's hard to pray so I would usually just resort to journalling.  At the same time, I process verbally most of the time, but at the end of the day, find myself emotionally exhausted and often guilty of having burdened another heart. Thus, this creates even more of a self-loathing if the other person is just not equip to relate or understand, because I wonder to myself, if I wasn't this way, then certain people wouldn't reject me or walk away, I could be accepted.

So it amounts to a problem of containment, and I suppose here is a place of my efforts to begin to hold both the good/bad thoughts and feelings.  Here is a place where I can keep a record of learning to give thanks, for allowing healing to come through gratitude, and create more opportunites for others to be encouraged.  Here is a place where I can learn to accept all of myself- that Christ died for all that I am- both good & bad- the nice side of me & the ugly side of me

all of my loving, serving, affirming, warmth, friendliness, & helpfulness

all of my efforts of being a 'goody-two shoes', eagerness to please others, performing & perfecting

all of my anger, negativity, codependency, & idolatry

To learn both good and bad- that I am neither all one or the other, and that it's okay to express how I feel but also see things that are good.

In the process of sanctification, I am learning what makes up the "real Maggie," not just the peppy, hello-kitty in me, but also the very dark shadows in my heart.  I must learn that it's okay not to be okay or have it all together all the time.  

To be transparent- seeing the value/importance of understanding that showing my imperfect side allows people to see what it means to be broken,

but at the same time, this is where my faith comes in and I can entrust God with the goodness in me, not because of my own goodness, but because of who He is, Goodness and Faithfulness.