Learning Good & Bad

In this season of soul searching, I have come to realize how entangled I can become, in not just my web of thoughts, but also the complexity of my feelings.  This can create such a cloud of fog in my mind that I can not get out of the negative anger and begin to spiral into tears of desperation and depression.  Often when I am so overwhelmed with my emotions, it's hard to pray so I would usually just resort to journalling.  At the same time, I process verbally most of the time, but at the end of the day, find myself emotionally exhausted and often guilty of having burdened another heart. Thus, this creates even more of a self-loathing if the other person is just not equip to relate or understand, because I wonder to myself, if I wasn't this way, then certain people wouldn't reject me or walk away, I could be accepted.

So it amounts to a problem of containment, and I suppose here is a place of my efforts to begin to hold both the good/bad thoughts and feelings.  Here is a place where I can keep a record of learning to give thanks, for allowing healing to come through gratitude, and create more opportunites for others to be encouraged.  Here is a place where I can learn to accept all of myself- that Christ died for all that I am- both good & bad- the nice side of me & the ugly side of me

all of my loving, serving, affirming, warmth, friendliness, & helpfulness

all of my efforts of being a 'goody-two shoes', eagerness to please others, performing & perfecting

all of my anger, negativity, codependency, & idolatry

To learn both good and bad- that I am neither all one or the other, and that it's okay to express how I feel but also see things that are good.

In the process of sanctification, I am learning what makes up the "real Maggie," not just the peppy, hello-kitty in me, but also the very dark shadows in my heart.  I must learn that it's okay not to be okay or have it all together all the time.  

To be transparent- seeing the value/importance of understanding that showing my imperfect side allows people to see what it means to be broken,

but at the same time, this is where my faith comes in and I can entrust God with the goodness in me, not because of my own goodness, but because of who He is, Goodness and Faithfulness.