I've also come to realize that I'm in this phase of "young adult," and speaking to my counselor today, unearthing that what I've experienced in this past year was a sort of a "disorder of adjustment," helped me see that it's okay to not know completely everything that lies ahead of me in life as a 22 year old Asian-American Christian woman taking 26 graduate credits, working 20 hours/week at CVS, doing oncology research at Roswell, and leading EPIC women's ministry small group.
When I went to the Pharmacy Career Pathways Day, one of the reps I spoke to asked me what year I am. I told him I was a P3, third year, and he proceeded to joke- "Oh it's like junior year in high school all over again, figuring out what where you want to go!" Except for I added, "yeauh junior year for life though."
Because when I got all my undergrad acceptances, I was feeling the same way. I had eliminated my choices down to 3 out of the 10 schools I got into, and was at a forks in a road. After having gone on uncountable roadtrips to visit almost all 10 of these schools, it came down to UC San Diego- just because it was SoCal, University of Maryland, College Park- because it simply had that collegiate life feel of a mega campus and green turfs, University at Buffalo- solely because it offered me a cheap, top 17 in the nation pharmacy graduate program.
I settled for my last choice for practicality's sake, and here I still am after 5 years, and I am so ready to turn the next chapter. (Disclaimer from experience: If I had to do it all over again, I think I maybe would not have chosen to do an accelerated 2 year undergrad, 4 year grad school program, because the down-sides were, it felt like life fast-forwarded 2 years on me,and robbed me out of fully enjoying 4 years of undergraduate discovery and exploration of who I was, what do I like to do- an identity, and I was skipped full throttle into adult life. On the plus side, I will never have to go back so school again, except for what I want to willingly pursue- spiritual formation/soul care in seminary school, hopefully later on down the road. So do not think that I don't advocate what I spent so much of my time studying, because after all, I did choose it to serve a means to an end of having an additional platform to do Kingdom work in the field of medicine/health overseas in East Asia. If it is your passions, then go for it. Just don't settle for what's always pragmatically Asian.)
And so, what does my next chapter look like, where has God been leading and inclining my heart towards in this state in my life? After having gone to EPIC Fall Retreat last weekend and being able to receive much healing from conversations with staff, like Sandy, and reconnecting with my San Francisco project directors just really brought a lot of joy and restoration to me. Hearing how they've been movement launching at UMD this semester, just thrilled me, thinking that I had almost gone there for undergrad! Better yet, it warmed my heart to have Steph just understand and relate to what I've experienced in this season/where I'm was in my walk, and for Tony still encourage me to pursue ministry and consider joining them in the DC area after graduation.
Going back to this past summer, I went on a self-vacation to visit my best mates from summer project, Rebecca and Cathy, in SoCal. Seeing the SoCal EPIC community/headquarters there and being able to also meet-up with all my staff women of faith, Viv, Leila, and Tricia, really helped me see that I was not alone in some of the hurts/sins I've experienced, and restirred up in me a heart to be used as an instrument to bestow healing and ministering upon to other women. One thing my SP discipler, Natalie reminded me of was- passion+gifts=evangelism. Because at that point, I had been so disoriented by all the readjustments of my last year, that I had to re-question- were my passions still the same, what are they even at this point? What was I good at, what do I enjoy doing?
And since then, I've realized that after all these years, having gone on all the spiritual retreats, conferences, and missions, the vision EPIC has as a movement of being a transformational community- being a foreshadow of what's to come as God's kingdom, heaven on earth, still resonates so strongly with my heart. That I am inclined to be apart of this greater discipleship community in whatever capacity may come and would still desire to part-time with EPIC immediately after graduation in So-Cal or DC while working, and then continue to proceed to transition into long-term ministry overseas in Asia still stands affirmed after these experiences.
So after all, God is sovereign, and He has not lost His will. The fork in the road presented to me of going to college in California or Maryland still are open door potentials even 5 years later. And practically speaking, talking to many reps at the pharmacy job fair about how these two prospective areas are hot for hiring provided additional affirmations.
Even though I've gone astray in the past year, not for a moment has He forsaken me, not for a moment has He lost His will for me. Even though I was faithless, Christ was and is still faithful. And so this is my truest belief as Steph shared- "the more I enjoy God, the more I enjoy everything else."
Even though I've gone astray in the past year, not for a moment has He forsaken me, not for a moment has He lost His will for me. Even though I was faithless, Christ was and is still faithful. And so this is my truest belief as Steph shared- "the more I enjoy God, the more I enjoy everything else."
